Finished years, unfinished projects
End of years are strange to say the least, but always a good time to take stock and look forward.
Seems like what was new a year ago is now old, and a new year is beginning. Is it just me who feels strange at this moment? Or at these moments?
It’s that time of year that, no matter how much you value rituals or not, always make you take a look back and, at the same time, take a look ahead. Full of unfinished stuff behind you, full of potential to unfinish stuff ahead of you.
I always feel like I’m not very good at this adulting thing. Yet. Not quite *the* person I want to be, not quite the person I *can* be. I could say the problem is, well, the world… But that’s not very “adulty” of me to say, and I know it’s not true, nor is it helpful. I’m not the kind of person that suffers from FOMO typically. I’m quite content with staying at home, doing my thing(s). But there’s a big Fear of Missing Out always present at the back of my mind: the fear of missing out on myself. Not fulfilling my potential, together with the fear of actually not being able to do so. To become the person I want to. Using a “should” here may sound bad (“shoulds”, right?), but it’s a “should” that’s is more than asked for: it’s a “should” that is for my own good. It’s a “should” that if, I don’t fulfill it, I feel - I know - I’ll regret it.
But the thing with me is I’m afraid. I’m afraid of too many things, I enjoy being quiet a little too much, I have a problem with making decisions and choices and dealing with consequences I can’t anticipate a little too big. And I have a problem with dealing with people and people’s expectations. But maybe the person I have the most problems dealing with is actually myself, and my worst fear is dealing with my own expectations and frustrating them.
In years past I’ve tended to arrive at the end of the year always telling myself: no, next year I’ll do this and this, I’ll be more assertive, I’ll do the hard things, I’ll take care of this and this unfinished business, I’ll take better care of myself, I’ll move forward on this and that. And for that, I’ll finally put myself together, actually use my bullet journal for what matters, and I'll actually act on the stuff. It will be glorious, and I’ll always feel like I have my act together. It will be a “ticking item box” festival, and it will be in a beautiful bullet journal, the only kind of planner I’ve actually been able to use in a meaningful way. Needless to say this doesn’t last long, and I suspect I’ve been making this pattern a part of my personality, of the person I am, as if that is set in stone and I can’t simply let it be any other way. What better way to not fail than not try at all?
I tend to plan for the plan, a little like a favourite sketch of mine of Monty Python’s Life of Brian. I listen to all the podcasts, watch all the videos, read all the articles, about how to organize oneself. Of how important it is or it can be to review what has passed and set intentions for the year ahead. Of how accountability can be helpful. So, maybe this publication can play a part in it. For now, it’s certainly playing a part in digressing, since I’m writing this all in a go, on a whim, on a “just wake up already, and stop thinking about thinking about thinking”.
So. I’ll try to keep it simple, and set intentions. Not resolutions, but intentions. What are my intentions for 2024? There’s always so much I want to do (which is one of my… let’s call it challenges instead of problems). But I already know myself a bit, enough to realize it’s not a good idea putting too many expectations on myself, because I’ll easily feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and have an urge to get myself into a comfy hole with my crochet. And that won’t help anyone.
What are my intentions for the new year (and every year ahead)? I will focus more on these intentions through a lense of “being” instead of “doing”. What I do or don’t do as a reflection, a result, of the person I am or I’m becoming. A reflection of my attitude towards life, of my “stance” towards life and my place in it (I like this word, “stance”).
For 2024, I want to be the kind of person who doesn’t shy away of the hard stuff, of the hard decisions, of solving problems and putting things together on its proper place, of emptying my plate (metaphorically speaking of course). It’s not like I can’t do hard stuff. I know I can. I just enjoy my comfort zone a little too much. As I once read or heard somewhere, the thing is not so much about getting out of my comfort zone, but more of pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone gradually. And I have to keep that in mind. And also remember that no catastrophe will happen if I tackle those hard decisions and do my best to solve those pending issues. Au contraire. The fact is I’m just a tiny grain of sand in a world with much bigger fish to fry, and I happen to be one of the lucky ones. Regardless of the problems and challenges I may be dealing with, I have a safety net, a lot to be grateful for, and those problems and issues are nothing compared with what other people have to deal with, in a world that seems to be unravelling and like it’s going nowhere we want to go together with. Which tends to paralyse me and break my heart to bits… and feel like it’s all futile and meaningless. But meaning is something we create, at least on our own, personal, microcosm.
Crochet is the easy part. Making decisions and doing the hard stuff, with crochet, is a walk in the park compared to everything else. But crochet is also a big part of what I want for myself in 2024 and going forward. The thing is, that for it to take the space I want it to take in my day-to-day, I have to make room for it, but proper room. I can’t let it be a refuge where I escape to when I feel overwhelmed and where I hide at when everything seems too hard. There’s a lot of potential and opportunities that I want to explore with joy and purpose. For that, I need to be better at organizing myself, at keeping track of things and not letting myself be stuck, trying to make everything perfect, when I know perfectly well that’s not possible, and that for a thing to take up space, that space needs to have room.
I’ll leave my digressing and over-sharing stop here. To end it on a positive note, I can look back and be proud of some things, and feel like I accomplished something in 2023. Let myself feel joy for what I actually did instead of frustration for what I could have done, or what I could have done better or differently.
I did stretch the boundaries of my comfort zone a bit, and did things I’ve been planning to do for too long, and started sowing seeds for them to take root and become something worthwhile. Or at least to try and see where it goes.
I finally released a crochet pattern and put it up for sale (selling is something I’ve always been scared of… I told you I’m afraid of a lot of things… :P).
I did a crochet workshop.
I released this newsletter/publication. Still getting the hang of it, though, but no pressure. Not too much, at least.
I submitted crochet designs to two magazines and got rejected. Hooray! I tried, it failed, I’m practising being open to the unknown.
I said yes to invitations to put together workshops next year, and actually acted upon them, instead of letting my subconscious sit on the idea of having already accomplished something by just having the possibility of doing something.
I put together a proposal, which got accepted, and have now 3 workshops already scheduled and available for inscription. I put together another proposal, which is only waiting for the final decision for it to be scheduled. And I’m putting together another proposal for another workshop at a place that has been on my radar and wishlist for a long time. I have invitations for doing workshops at two more places, but after these, I think it’s best I don’t add any more to my calendar. I do have a full-time job, and it’s best I take everything slowly, ‘cause time doesn’t stretch, and I need it for many other things (like the hard decisions, challenging projects, and what seem like tough problems to solve that have priority over my “crochet endeavours”.)
I have a lot to look forward to in 2024, but I need to make it all work. To pull my own weight. Some things are easy compared to others, like the crochet stuff. Other things are big challenges that request my best version of myself, even because I want to be worthy of them all and of the people in my life. The biggest, most exciting and longed for one, is finally having a place I can call my own. The construction work is almost finished, but this is only the start of yet another big endeavour and challenge with some moving parts.
I’m still working out what this substack will be (in case you didn’t notice), but I do know I want to keep it and use it, and have a way to communicate with other fellow makers, and also, I selfishly confess, to communicate with myself. Writing is something I enjoy and feel it’s important to me, even if it can also be uncomfortable. But putting thoughts and feelings into words in written form is a way of giving them dimension, of making them real and hard to ignore. Of giving substance to life, particularly the inner life. So, I apologize if this seems too much or out of place to you. I can’t make any promises about what will come next here, but I hope you stick around. I’ll completely understand if you don’t! What I can promise is that it will be me, always me, in any of my versions. Sometimes more crafty, sometimes more vulnerable, sometimes more joyful, other times a bit melancholical. But always me. An unfinished project. And that is a good thing. I think…
Wish you a great new year, full of reasons to smile and laugh, and reasons to cry with joy, full of strength and energy and love to deal with everything that comes your way.
See you in January.
All the best and a tight hug (if you need one),
Ana
Big hug back to you. I enjoyed reading your musings and found myself nodding in recognition many times.